I have it all, and I want none of it.
I have it all, and I want none of it.
I have it all, and I. Want. None. Of. It.
This is a terrifying place to be because if I have it all, and want none of it, what do I want? Where do I go from here?
It is a place of extreme privilege. EXTREME privilege. How can someone “have it all?” We must keep in mind that “having it all” is a relative statement to begin with. My “all” could be very different than someone else’s “all.” But nonetheless, right now, there is nothing more in life that I could physically have that would resolve this feeling of, “I want to get rid of everything I own and start over.”
Life has taken my husband and I on a very treacherous journey these last few years. A lot of our beliefs and values have changed drastically. Things we thought were important no longer hold any weight. Things we thought we wanted, and got, no longer bring us joy. THINGS in general have started to make me anxious and unhappy. THINGS are making me feel trapped. THINGS are starting to feel like they’re holding me back. My whole life I have wanted freedom, and looking at every THING I have today, I feel like a prisoner.
To elaborate on my extreme privilege, I am about to turn 34, I have no debt except for my house. I work for myself, for who I want, when I want. We own a huge home for two people, in a beautiful town, on a quiet street with land, privacy, peace and quiet. Every room of my home is filled with lovely furniture and décor. We have two home offices, 4 bathrooms, a dining room that we have never eaten in and a huge room that has a fireplace that we’ve never lit and a piano that is out of tune and can barely be played. My kitchen is enormous, and I have every appliance one could ever need to cook any meal they could dream of. I have a pool, I have a huge three story deck that can fit an entire nursery of plants. We have a garage and basement filled with so much extra stuff, it’s nauseating.
We don’t worry about money right now. We have no children, and we can come and go as we please whenever we want. My husband works a stable job that requires very little of him, we’re both done with work by 4:30 every day and have healthcare. We have no physical issues, and our mental health tends to teeter on the side of stable. I see a therapist weekly to discuss the traumas of my life and I go to yoga 5 times a week. My husband goes on hikes and rides his bike whenever he wants. We spend $250 a week on healthy groceries, and we never worry about that. Because we don’t have to. We have NOTHING to complain about. Our life is so easy right now, it’s sickening.
And even though it’s sickeningly easy, I refuse to apologize for the current state of our privilege. The road to get to this point was not easy. We did this all on our own. We built this amazing life, together and I am very proud of this life. We built all of this once, and then within three years we lost it all and BUILT IT ALL BACK UP. We had to drive along this treacherous road through an insane amount of loss to get back to this place of privilege. But now that I have it again, I don’t want it anymore. I want none of it because these things that used to make me happy before, don’t make me happy at all.
There were three years where our life was not our own, where we had to sell everything to stay afloat and pay lawyers to fight this huge legal battle, we had found ourselves in. It changed everything. Three years where we lost three dogs and had to say goodbye to so many other animals and people we had loved and cared for. It changed everything. Those three years where we had thousands and thousands of dollars in loans out just to cover our bills and be able to survive changed everything. That day when we sold the house, we worked so hard to build and enjoy… the day we sold it to save our asses and get out of all of our debt, that changed everything.
None of it mattered anymore. And it still doesn’t matter today. I look at everything I have, and I should be so happy, so fulfilled, feel so accomplished and at peace. We did it. We went through hell, we survived and we managed to get everything back!! But for some reason, I want it all gone again.
We’re on this journey to figure out what truly makes us happy. What is it? I can honestly say we have no fucking clue. NONE. It’s a mind fuck. You hear about those people who ‘have it all’ and they’re still not happy. Well, what do you know, they weren’t lying. I think it’s something we all struggle with to an extent, but how do we handle it? To tell you the truth, I am not sure. But I am sure that we are going to do our best to figure it out. Because I refuse to live another day with this pit in my stomach, trying to convince myself that I love this life. Something is missing, and even though that is scary, it is exciting.
*Important to note* Not two seconds after finishing this post, our only dog left Marley had a seizure.. way to bring us back to reality Marley. These seizures are new, but they are becoming more frequent. It’s another reminder of what is important in life. And it’s not things. Point proven. The end.
